Leftovers, or why the left is fatter than the right

Politics is a beautiful and comic thing. Unfortunately, it’s ruined by the people that think it’s something worth giving a crap about, whether they’re ambitious and able enough to get involved properly, or whether they have to settle for doing dumb things like writing a blog about it instead.

There are many ways to pigeonhole these people, indeed, most of them spend a good part of their time cataloguing, categorising and cross-referencing everyone they ever meet, read an article by, or hear something about in passing.

Trying to understand all the options is, of course, a pointless task, and doing so risks being dragged into a cruel and pathetic game, where petty squabbling over the rules seems to take up most of the time.

With this in mind, we’ll stick to the two most common labels, the easiest and most efficient way to work out who it is you’re supposed to unswervingly hate and instantly disagree with at all costs and in all situations—left and right.

By sheer weight of numbers, these are the two fiercest gangs out there. But right here and now, massed ranks aren’t as important as simple, snarling, gruesome mass.

After prowling around this nasty game for long enough to be only a couple of weeks away from requiring full-time therapy, it has struck me that there’s a crude and simple way to distinguish, should you care to, your right from your left. Waistlines.

Other than those on some sort of hunger strike to show solidarity with their Somalian brethren, lefties are lardasses. At the first ugly glance, I thought this was some crazy quirk, but the more one thinks about it the more obvious it gets. Ponder about it further still, and it’s a wonder that the Labour Party conference hall doesn’t have to reinforce the flooring.

Politically speaking, lefties don’t believe in personal responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault that they’re not paid egregious amounts of cash to run the country their way. This makes them more likely to get fat. Fatties are always making excuses for their state that never seem to include their propensity to sit around eating too much.

By contrast, righties (a word not used nearly as much; probably something to do with right-wingers not being so big on the idea of collectivisation) tend to have proper jobs, where personal appearance is important and gym membership is subsidised.

And despite the extra time being unemployed, (or being employed to clock-watch) provides members of the meaty mob, they don’t tend to spend it playing sport. They’re too busy reading Chomsky. Or just getting bored and eating to pass the time before Countdown is on.

Not having a job is also strongly linked to not having money. And as we all know, poor people think it’s cool to eat crap food. It is, of course, no cheaper to eat unhealthily, but it is often quicker. This is food that comes with a ready-made (no pun intended) easy excuse—it’s not just food, it’s fast food. Perfect for today’s discerning disgusting layabout.

But these are cheap shots. Accurate, but cheap. The real clinchers come when we lever apart the fat flaps and bellyflop into a lefty’s head.

The rotund ranks of the Red Army have a number of amusing psychological problems, the assorted perils of being professionally angry and housing a Himalayan blood pressure.

All these ‘issues’ stem from their lives being governed by an impressive array of indignations, be they moral, personal, or there just because nurturing them seemed like a good idea at the time.

The pain of living in such an unfair world makes people angry, anxious and depressed. Emotional turmoil such as this can inspire eating as a form of escapism. That, and ice-cream comforts the mood swings. As any good doctor will tell you: “emotional problems can both contribute to obesity and result from it.” It’s a vicious circle. A plump, round, vicious circle.

Minds plagued by such foul and bilious ghosts are more prone to vicious bouts of overeating or sitting around shouting at the television. They’re also more prone to thinking that Marx had a point.

Detractors from these undeniable facts, if they haven’t wobbled off to the fridge already, will probably feel like fighting back about now. Obviously physical fighting is out of the question, but a replying rant is no doubt frothing away. This spittley spindrift will almost certainly centre around one word: Americans. Lefties love to hate Americans almost as much as they love to eat American food.

“Americans are the fattest people on the planet! (outside Glasgow)”, they’ll cry, “And they’re also the most right-wing!”. Well maybe so. But that is to forget that theirs is a different culture, or rather a lack of one. American society is too base to judge each other on anything other than relative bank balances; being fat in America is just another way of showing that you can afford to be. We have eloquence for that.

  1. Jonn said:

    Nicholas Soames.

  2. Paul said:

    Bah. I considered countering the obvious Soames/Widdecombe point along with the Yanks, but figured no-one would seriously bother making it.

    I’m sure there are short people in Holland. What’s your point? :)

  3. john b said:

    Ken Clarke.

  4. Jonn said:

    My point is that Nicholas Soames ate my baby!

  5. Alex said:

    Boris Johnson.

    You really are a twat. Still, I suppose the Sharpener had to fuck up sometime.

  6. Katherine said:

    This is a (bad) joke, right? I mean, just checking. It’s entirely possible that my leftie fat arse is too stupid to tell. Except that I’m not fat. Erm… that’s it.

  7. Noam Chomsky vs Pat Buchanan? The theory doesn’t seem very robust.

  8. Back to Widdecombe: she was self aware, after all. She went on celebrity fat club. any leftie politicians done that?

  9. Garry said:

    Er, Winston Churchill.

    I’m with Katherine. I don’t get it.

  10. Jonn said:

    I’ve noticed that lefties are disproportionately ginger.

    Could there be any truth to the argument that society’s rejects feel the need for more support than the more self-confident and self-sufficient, who tend to lean right?

  11. Paul said:

    Maybe. Also, natural affinity with the redness? Was John Major a Tory because his face had a blue-rinse ashen hue?

    As for needing more “support”, that could be read (and possibly be right) in many ways…

  12. Phil E said:

    I think Paul’s discovered a whole new genre here. Next up: “Tory voters – why do they all wear tartan?” Or “Lib Dems – why do they ride those stupid unicycles?” The possibilities are endless.

  13. Jonn said:

    “The English nationalists: Why can’t any of them construct a rational argument?”

    Oh, wait. That one’s true.

  14. kl said:

    Wasn’t Churchill ginger, before he was bald? Was he ginger and fat at the same time, I wonder?

    What about people who gain/lose weight? Do they have to cross the floor?

  15. Paul said:

    Cause and effect. The argument as elaborated says being fat is an effect of a lefty mentality, not a cause.

    Often wondered about the ginger/baldness thing though. Ginger people do seem to bald quicker than others. Nature’s way of saying sorry? :)

  16. Alex said:

    Right-wing people are thin and therefore erroneously think they are responsible for their own looks, hence overestimating the degree of control we have over our fate?

    Right-wing people are actually fat, because they are over keen on conspicuous consumption? (Karl Rove – anorexic?)

  17. Eccles said:

    Oh shit!

    Now I’m starting to have existential doubts.

    Despite havcing a Marxist approach to life (That’s Groucho by the way, NOT Karl) in that I would never belong ,to a club that would have me as a member, then problem is that quite a lot of people seem to define me according to their idea of which of these two “gangs” (or perhaps it should be categories) I should be pigeonholed into.

    Generally speaking this tends to be ac companied by a certain amount of verbal invective and vitriol along the lines of “lentil eating”; “vegetarian/vegan”; tree-hugging”; “wimp” etc. followed by the label clearly designed to end all argument – “lefty/liberal”.

    I’ve tried hard to be a seven stone lentil eating weakling to fit in with the simplistic dichotomy of the cranially challenged. I admit middle age is catching up and I’ve moved from a 34 waist to a 36 waist to provide a bit more bending room (and it has not helped moving from an outside work role to an inside one). I’m doing me best, honest.

    And now along comes Paul who changes the rules the caricature!

    What the hell am I supposed to do now?

    I can’t afford to to get fat to fit in with Pauls caricature.

    I don’t know. I’ll go to’t foot of our stairs. You bend over backwards to fit in with the views of what the simple minded require to validate their own petty existenc e and then one of ’em comes along without a bye your leave and changes the bloody rules.

    Talk about confused? The Samaritans arn’t answering the phone (& it’s not even half past seven yet); and I don’t know where Marjorie Proops is working these days.

    Come on Paul, fairs fair. The least you could do is advise those of us who are the exception that proves your clearly well researched thesis of how to achieve the fatness you say is ours by right of being, according to those like yourself who atuhorativly define what “gang” other people should belong to, a “1efty.”

  18. Sam said:

    Why not try this

    to see if the theory holds true.

  19. Sam said:

    And I thought Churchill was a liberal party MP at one point.

  20. Rob said:

    Boris Johnson

  21. Paul said:

    Tut tut, Rob. I refer you to comments 2 and 5.

    Must. Try. Harder. ;)

  22. As the various commentators above me have highlighted there are porkers in all parties. I fear that your data might be skewed however, as it appears that you have sampled people who attend party conferences.

    I put it to you that such people are not representative as they are more likely to be:

    a.) “Professional” politicians;

    b.) Journalists;

    c.) Union representatives;

    d.) Unemployed (and hence have the spare time and probably nothing better to do); or (most tellingly)

    e.) The sort of person whose idea of fun is going to a party conference and uses up their precious holiday allowance to do so.

    On a porker pie-chart I would be willing to bet these particular groups will be tucking into the larger slices.

  23. Quim Terfel said:

    Where does this mean for Nigel Lawson?

  24. Pingback: Tim Worstall