The Future Dictionary of Great Britain

We have borrowed the tardis, travelled to the future, and have brought back a dictionary of British English from late in the 21st century. The British Potato Council will be pleased to know that ‘couch potato’ isn’t in there.

A few excerpts after the jump for your perusal and approval. Feel free to add your own submissions in the comments and we’ll highlight the best.

1. n. Legendary figure, probably mythical/god-like, believed to have been worshipped by sections of the First Great Blogger Cult. Fragments of data that remain from the Great Wiping of Hard Drive indicate that he may have been connected with, or worshipped during, the purge of the Guardianistas (see below)

1. n. Playground insult, used to denote either anyone keen to go along with anyone seen to have power, cf. teacher’s pet
2. n. Liar.
Etymology: derived from an obscure politician from the late 20th/early 21st century

1. v. To have sexual intercourse. e.g. I gave the missus a right good blunketting last night
Etymology: earliest cited use ca. 2010 This ID card system is blunketted.

1. n archaic A now-defunct economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market.
2. n. modernAn economic system in which the government blames the poor. Antonym: Socialism

1. n. A person whom it is legal to hunt with dogs.
2. n.One of those responsible for the Great Dumbing Down
3. n. A famous person archaic, rarely used

1. n. A person sharing the opinions of the word’s user.Antonym: Fascist

1. n. One possessed of great style and elegance
2. adj. Upper middle class.

1. n. A formal statement of duties owed to the government

1. n. A little voice in your head that tells you someone might be watching. See alsoSurveillance

1. n. A useless object
Etymology: obscure, forgotten, and unknown

1. n. Popular 20th-century narcotic among geeks, nerds and internetizens. Thought to make time pass with dazzling speed. With long-term use users become anti-social, have trouble articulating words, and lose interest in reality

1. v. To instruct persons, especially the young, in the preparation of fast food.

1 n. A person whose views the speaker disagrees with. Antonym:Centrist

1. adj. Unconstrained, ungoverned
2. adj. Sold for profit, expensive

1. n. A wholly owned subsidiary of the MicroSonYamahAOL Corporation.

Free market
1. n. A mythical utopia

1. v. To provide one’s own rope for one’s political suicide through the medium of asinine public pronouncements.

1. n. Derogatory term for a person with stereotypical left-wing political opinions
Etymology: Late 20th century: From the defunct British newspaper, the Guardian, closed down (or, rather, was blunketted) during the purges of 2010.

1. v. To talk to an interviewer as though they’re a congenital idiot while simultaneously believing yourself to be the most suave and sophisticated person in the room.
2. v. To fervently defend an opinion your younger self would have found repellent.

1. v. To speak in a patronising manner, as if repeatedly explaining to a brain-damaged child why he can’t have an ice cream.

1. n. Any kind of government property.

Intelligence failure
1. n. A malady experienced by journalists and meeja when they ask figures of authority whether an event was caused by a “failure of intelligence”

1. v. To act in a bumbling manner to confuse opponents.
2. n. Penis slang, American

Lesbian outreach worker
1. n. Any government project that is not strictly life or death necessary
2. adj. Metonymic symbol of any waste of money in the public sector.

1. n. Now-defunct 19th/20th century Protestant Christian heresy.
2. n. Logic, a.k.a. Reductio Ad Absurdum.

1.n. Law. The unlawful and unwanted mental attack of one person by another, with the intention of bringing about a harmful or offensive conversion to liberal politics.

1. n. Something which seems to have a sinister deeper purpose that no one can quite work out.
2. v. To act in a doggedly mercantalist manner.
3. adj. Shitty.

1. n. Political Science. The unit of agitated, hand-wringing column inches required to motivate one MP to vote for one extra unit of State Intervention.
2. adj. Massaging of statistics to make broad, economically illiterate conclusions based on small data samples. e.g. That’s a very polly article

1. v. To go incredibly slowly.
2. adj. Lost, stolen or damaged.

1. v. To announcement, that is, in public, as you will see, a statement will be has been made, that grammar will not, has not,
followed been and short sense, knowing full well, and I repeat, what you mean
2. n. A statement like 1. above

1. adj. To describe any anti social behavior
2. n. A small hut used by criminals to keep their stash and make their nefarious plans

1. n. That which is artificial, deceptive.

1. n. archaicA now-defunct economic system in which the means of production and distribution are publicly or state-owned and development is, well, stragnant. Or made up.
2. n. modernAn economic system in which the poor blame the government.

1. n. A printing error, common in early 21st century news media, that obliterated all sense and reason within the area it affected, replacing it with random words and threats against large groupings. e.g There’s a great steyn in the Telegraph today

1. adj. openness, transparency

1.n. A popular murdochy newspaper
2.n. Not correct. See: reality

1. n. An online scrapbook where teenagers can post their innermost thoughts.
2. v. To masturbate publicly.

Contributors: Andrew, Blimpish, Jamie K, Jim Bliss, Jim Gleeson, Jarndyce, Justin McKeating, Katie Bartleby, Nick Barlow, Nosemonkey, Phil Edwards, Phil Hunt, Stuart Dickson

  1. Charlie Whitaker said:

    1. adj. the existing situation, when used as context for political advocacy: that which requires and justifies change of any kind (but typically retrogressive change). See: modern

    1. adj. a cultural condition characterised by absolutist reinforcement of sub-conscious sentiment and prejudice
    2. adj. any desirable state of affairs. See: fast-changing

    1. adj. weak, floppy. See: robust
    2. adj. arbitrary, unsupported
    The author makes an intellectually rigorous case which deserves the attention of centrists

    1. adj. fearful, reactionary
    2. adj. unconsidered: See: rigorous

  2. Foreign Policy
    n. arguing with the French

  3. Barry Cotter said:

    Gee, and there I was thinking the point of this group blog was to draw intelligent comment in a polite atmosphere between those on both ends of the political spectrum. I see it’s starting the degeneration into name calling already.

  4. Ken said:

    Did you hear that? Poopy pants! Poopy pants!

  5. You tell ‘im, Ken

  6. KathyF said:

    Brilliant: 1. adj. (archaic) intelligent. Last used to describe Sharpener post in mid-2005.
    2. adj. commonly used to indicate general approval. You went in the toilet instead of your pants? Brilliant.

    By the way, you did know “postal” means “apeshit batty” in the US? As in, “He went postal when Ken called him poopy pants.” Derived from the frequency of postal workers committing mass murders at the drop of a hat.

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  8. Katie Bartleby said:

    Kathy F: Yes, comes from the seminal early nineties epic film “clueless”

    Barry: I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand what’s bothering you. Lots of sharpener writers from both ends of the spectrum contributed things making fun of their own bayesian priors as well as those of others.

    And please note, the operative word in there is fun it’s supposed to be funny. If we’re not funny, call us unfunny.

  9. Rob Read said:

    Duncansmith is another name for a Blair-wright. Both manufacture hot air, Blair-wrights are known for the high quality of spin the get into their air. Duncansmiths tend to go for low-audibility hot air.

  10. EU Serf said:


    V. To state the exact opposite of the Truth and firmly believe it.

    Lisbon Agenda

    N. A target that cannot be achieved.


    V. The art of telling the citizens what they should think.
    N. A government sponsored process that tells the citzens what to think.

  11. Hodge
    1) v. to damage, whether by an act of omission or by deliberate intimidation of witnesses, a vulnerable group, and then to be placed in charge of that group.

    2) n. A person as described above.

    3) a. Morally bankrupt.

    Etymology: derived from an obscure politician (Hodge, Margaret) from the late 20th/early 21st century who, whilst a councillor in London spectacularly failed to deal with a paedophile ring abusing children in her council’s care. She was then, in a supremely ironic move, made Minister for Children.

  12. dsquared said:

    “Hitched by one’s own petard”: To be caught in the act of calling someone a moron, a moral idiot and a fellow traveller of fascism for holding views that you held yourself five minutes ago.

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