the tale of Princess Tony and the Ugly Face Man

Hello children. Are we sitting comfortably? I’m going to tell you a story. It’s the story of Princess Tony and the Ugly Face Man.

We all know about Princess Tony don’t we? Yes, we do. We all know about how Princess Tony likes to fly all over the world bringing smiles to people’s faces. Do you remember what the place was called that Princess Tony went to with his friend Crazy George? The place where he made all the children happy by arranging a big firework display and lots of finger painting?

Yes, that’s right. It was Iraq.

Anyway, this time Princess Tony and his other friends Hairy Bob and Nobbo the Little Rock Star went to Africa. Now Africa is a place where all the children play with guns and nobody has any money except a few people who have all the money, and they take it and put it in a bank in a place called Switzerland. And there aren’t any Milky Ways or Smarties or Turkey twizzlers and everybody has to eat mud.

Well you know what Princess Tony did? Princess Tony and his friends Hairy Bob and Nobbo the Little Rock Star made all the children put their guns away and then they gave them strawberryade and kinder eggs and lots and lots and lots of current buns. And he made the people with all the money take it away from the place called Switzerland and give everybody pocket money so they could buy Milky ways and Smarties and Turkey Twizzlers. And all the Africans jumped up and down and said Thank you Nobbo the Little Rock Star! Thank You Hairy Bob! And especially big Double Thankyous and hugs and kisses Princess Tony!

It made Princess Tony happy to see all the little smiling Africans. But when he got home, he wasn’t happy any more. Do you know why, children? It was because of the Ugly Face Man.

Nobody knows where the Ugly Face Man came from. Perhaps he has no home. Because every time Princess Tony came back from making people happy somewhere he would see the Ugly Face Man sitting outside the place where he and his friends work, pulling ugly faces and shouting rude things. And he had posters with nasty horrible things written on them about Princess Tony.

You know what the Ugly Face Man was, don’t you children?

That’s right. A nutter. Can you pull a face like the Ugly Face Man,? Ooooh, horrible!

Seeing the Ugly Face Man made Princess Tony unhappy. He didn’t like it when people pulled ugly faces at him and shouted rude things when all he wanted was for people to smile and sing and say how wonderful Princess Tony was. Tony’s friends, the parliamentary pixies, didn’t like it either. The parliamentary pixies are little men and women who run around all day and all night constantly having ideas that make all our lives better in a thousand and one ways. But it’s hard to have wonderful ideas when there’s an Ugly Face Man sitting outside pulling ugly faces and shouting all day.

When he heard that the Ugly Face Man had made the parliamentary pixies sad, Princess Tony got red in the face. “It’s nasty and horrible and just not fair!” he said. And Princess Tony stamped his little feet.

Suddenly Charlie the Safety Elephant appeared in a puff of bureaucracy. “Don’t worry, Princess Tony” he said. “I’m here to protect you and all your little chums. And I’m going to make a law. I like doing that!”

“What kind of law are you going to make, Mr Safety Elephant?” said Princess Tony.

“It’s a law that says ‘go away Ugly Face Man’ said Charlie. “And it means that he can never come back and nor can anyone who thinks like him and wants to say nasty things and make life hard for Princess Tony and his little friends. And everyone will be able to go round making Africans smile and having wonderful ideas that improve all our lives in a thousand and one ways and there’ll be nobody to say nasty things about them or interfere in any way at all.”

And so it was done. And Princess Tony and the parliamentary pixies all lived happily ever after.

  1. Genius.

    and a couple more lines so it doesn’t think I’m spamming you.



  2. Pingback: Make My Vote Count

  3. This is what you get when you don’t want to hear the stories which the nasty ugly-faced men are intent on telling, such as the illegality of the Iraq war, and all the other lies which the Labour shower have told over the years.
    Blair and his buddies have passed the stage where they respond to pressure, all they care about is the removal of what few civil liberties we have left!
    A far wiser man than myself, Pastor Martin Niemoller authored the stanza which ends, “And then they came for me, but there was no-one left to speak out for me!”

  4. *applause*

    I’m still trying to work out if this new law technically means that opposition MPs have to apply for permission before criticising the government in the Members’ Lobby, Central Lobby and the various bars. They are, after all, within the political protest exclusion zone.

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  7. Andrew Milner said:

    Political comment presented as a children’s story has a long history. Anyone want to try a Noddy story? TB’s a dead ringer for the leading role, with Blunkett (you never lose your girl Dave, you just lose your turn), Charles “Big Ears” Clarke, Jack “Mr. Speaker” Straw, John “Mr. Plod” Reid, and of course John Prescott playing the character parts. Doing to his secretary what Blair has been doing to the country. Something about “getting it in the ass”. An all-star cast of losers. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right …