The Future Dictionary of Great Britain

We have borrowed the tardis, travelled to the future, and have brought back a dictionary of British English from late in the 21st century. The British Potato Council will be pleased to know that ‘couch potato’ isn’t in there.

A few excerpts after the jump for your perusal and approval. Feel free to add your own submissions in the comments and we’ll highlight the best.

Aaronovitch
1. n. Legendary figure, probably mythical/god-like, believed to have been worshipped by sections of the First Great Blogger Cult. Fragments of data that remain from the Great Wiping of Hard Drive indicate that he may have been connected with, or worshipped during, the purge of the Guardianistas (see below)

Blair
1. n. Playground insult, used to denote either anyone keen to go along with anyone seen to have power, cf. teacher’s pet
2. n. Liar.
Etymology: derived from an obscure politician from the late 20th/early 21st century

Blunkett
1. v. To have sexual intercourse. e.g. I gave the missus a right good blunketting last night
Etymology: earliest cited use ca. 2010 This ID card system is blunketted.

Capitalism
1. n archaic A now-defunct economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market.
2. n. modernAn economic system in which the government blames the poor. Antonym: Socialism

Celebrity
1. n. A person whom it is legal to hunt with dogs.
2. n.One of those responsible for the Great Dumbing Down
3. n. A famous person archaic, rarely used

Centrist
1. n. A person sharing the opinions of the word’s user.Antonym: Fascist

Chav
1. n. One possessed of great style and elegance
2. adj. Upper middle class.

Citizenship
1. n. A formal statement of duties owed to the government

Conscience
1. n. A little voice in your head that tells you someone might be watching. See alsoSurveillance

Duncansmith
1. n. A useless object
Etymology: obscure, forgotten, and unknown

E-
1. n. Popular 20th-century narcotic among geeks, nerds and internetizens. Thought to make time pass with dazzling speed. With long-term use users become anti-social, have trouble articulating words, and lose interest in reality

Educate
1. v. To instruct persons, especially the young, in the preparation of fast food.

Fascist
1 n. A person whose views the speaker disagrees with. Antonym:Centrist

Free
1. adj. Unconstrained, ungoverned
2. adj. Sold for profit, expensive

Freedom
1. n. A wholly owned subsidiary of the MicroSonYamahAOL Corporation.

Free market
1. n. A mythical utopia

Galloway
1. v. To provide one’s own rope for one’s political suicide through the medium of asinine public pronouncements.

Guardianista
1. n. Derogatory term for a person with stereotypical left-wing political opinions
Etymology: Late 20th century: From the defunct British newspaper, the Guardian, closed down (or, rather, was blunketted) during the purges of 2010.

Hain
1. v. To talk to an interviewer as though they’re a congenital idiot while simultaneously believing yourself to be the most suave and sophisticated person in the room.
2. v. To fervently defend an opinion your younger self would have found repellent.

Hewitt
1. v. To speak in a patronising manner, as if repeatedly explaining to a brain-damaged child why he can’t have an ice cream.

Identity
1. n. Any kind of government property.

Intelligence failure
1. n. A malady experienced by journalists and meeja when they ask figures of authority whether an event was caused by a “failure of intelligence”

Johnson
1. v. To act in a bumbling manner to confuse opponents.
2. n. Penis slang, American

Lesbian outreach worker
1. n. Any government project that is not strictly life or death necessary
2. adj. Metonymic symbol of any waste of money in the public sector.

Liberalism
1. n. Now-defunct 19th/20th century Protestant Christian heresy.
2. n. Logic, a.k.a. Reductio Ad Absurdum.

Moonbattery
1.n. Law. The unlawful and unwanted mental attack of one person by another, with the intention of bringing about a harmful or offensive conversion to liberal politics.

Murdochy
1. n. Something which seems to have a sinister deeper purpose that no one can quite work out.
2. v. To act in a doggedly mercantalist manner.
3. adj. Shitty.

Polly
1. n. Political Science. The unit of agitated, hand-wringing column inches required to motivate one MP to vote for one extra unit of State Intervention.
2. adj. Massaging of statistics to make broad, economically illiterate conclusions based on small data samples. e.g. That’s a very polly article

Postal
1. v. To go incredibly slowly.
2. adj. Lost, stolen or damaged.

Prescott
1. v. To announcement, that is, in public, as you will see, a statement will be has been made, that grammar will not, has not,
followed been and short sense, knowing full well, and I repeat, what you mean
2. n. A statement like 1. above

Privacy
1. adj. To describe any anti social behavior
2. n. A small hut used by criminals to keep their stash and make their nefarious plans

Reality
1. n. That which is artificial, deceptive.

Socialism
1. n. archaicA now-defunct economic system in which the means of production and distribution are publicly or state-owned and development is, well, stragnant. Or made up.
2. n. modernAn economic system in which the poor blame the government.

Steyn
1. n. A printing error, common in early 21st century news media, that obliterated all sense and reason within the area it affected, replacing it with random words and threats against large groupings. e.g There’s a great steyn in the Telegraph today

Surveillance
1. adj. openness, transparency

Truth
1.n. A popular murdochy newspaper
2.n. Not correct. See: reality

Weblog
1. n. An online scrapbook where teenagers can post their innermost thoughts.
2. v. To masturbate publicly.

Contributors: Andrew, Blimpish, Jamie K, Jim Bliss, Jim Gleeson, Jarndyce, Justin McKeating, Katie Bartleby, Nick Barlow, Nosemonkey, Phil Edwards, Phil Hunt, Stuart Dickson